Been traveling a lot lately. A bit more than I expected or remembered, but after over a month spent mostly at home, I am not complaining.
I had a few days in Minnesota for CRA Days back in August, and within the past two weeks a few days in North Jersey for computer training, filled in for a site visit in Tulsa for 2 days (not as bad a place as you might think. In fact, it’s OK) and am on my way to Miami until Tuesday night. I missed a lot of Harry time this week. But, with 6 weeks of vacation (soon to be 7, and 8 in 2007) I have Wednesday off to spend the day with him. I try to take a day with Harry whenever I am gone too long.
Lately I have also been trying very hard to recognize that people have their own parenting styles. That is a hard thing to do when so many of us are so passionate about raising our kids a certain way, based on how we were raised, what we read, what we see around us---all for better or worse. I know I think my way is the best way, but, in my own defense, I have a Masters degree is Psychology that includes many hours of Early Childhood Development and Family Counseling. I have also been studying the world around me for as long as I remember. And I talk to people that I think are doing a good job, or have done a good job, and ask their advice. And I know I can get arrogant at times…but I think that would happen less often if I didn’t feel that my every move was made under a microscope- a very public one. I think most people feel it is their right to evaluate your techniques and present you with a full critique. It doesn’t matter if they are a pediatrician and parent of 10 or a high school football player with nothing but an opinion And everyone has an opinion.
So, in hopes of encouraging myself to respect other peoples methods of child rearing and to ease some of my own defensiveness, I thought I would explain a few things about life in Harry’s world.
1. Yes. I work outside of the home. I went to school for…I don’t know…do we count nursery school? Post high school, it was 7.5 years. I paid for school myself and I worked at least part time for all of it. I wanted an education. I like to work. My career is fulfilling. I think this is a good example to set for Harry: that he can work hard to grow up and achieve whatever it is he wants to achieve. With hard work, anything is possible. I would say that this example would be especially important for a girl, but I think that would be an unnecessary statement. No offense to my own mother, but she stayed home with me until I was 8, and had a flexible job thereafter, and I don’t think it defined my life. Sure, I remember her being home, and I am grateful to have had a happy childhood, but what I remember of my mom being home is that I would play with legos or play-doh by myself while she talked on the phone or did the cooking or cleaning. Hardly quality time. My friends’ homes were exactly the same way.
2. Next topic: daycare. Gasp, Harry has someone else to take care of him during the day! This is true. He has a wonderful care giver who knows a lot about babies and takes excellent care of him. He gets lots of tummy time while he watches the 3 other kids, Susanna, Sid and Nate. No one is more excited than Menike when Harry does something new, such as crawling backwards. Well, maybe Menike’s husband, Danny. This man goes to work early so he can see the kids in the afternoon. He often sounds like he takes childcare courses himself. Great people. And great little kids that Harry just adores. And Harry seems to get the same amount of quality time from me whether I am home with him or he is at daycare. It is about 6 hours. The boy weighs about 22 pounds. I can’t possibly lug him around all day, especially with the condition my body is in after gaining and almost losing 60 pounds in a year. And since we don’t get the sleep we’d like, I just don’t have any more energy for him. This way, he gets quality time from another person for 8 hours a day. He gets 14 hours of quality time instead of 6, and has more people to love him. How could that be a bad thing?
3. My job takes me away on business and I am not home every night. Hey, if you have to work, this is a great way to do it. Nurses have similar schedules when they concentrate their work week to spend more time with their kids. And nursing is thought to be an ideal job if you have kids and “have” to work. On a side note, I think it is sad that some people thing working is something that “has” to be done by some people when in fact there are some people out there who enjoy their jobs. But, back to the subject at hand. I might not get to kiss him goodnight every day, but on the days that I am home, I can pick him up at 4 instead of being stuck in Beltway traffic until 7:30. People often ask me who takes care of him while I am gone. Well, Harry’s dad. Kevin. Remember him? He knows as much as I do. He held and fed and diapered and swaddled Harry before I did. I know both of our dads call to check in on him and see “how he does” when I am away. I think this is hilarious. Except for the occasion when Harry is sent to school in sweatpants, he does awesome. No interruption whatsoever. And how lucky is Harry to get to know his dad as well as his mom? I am so glad that society has changed so much that men are encouraged to spend time with their little ones. And I am so lucky to have someone who is up to the challenge!
4. Another one I hear a lot: How do I nurse when I am traveling? Well, I don’t. Harry has formula, just like most of us did. And it is even better for him than what existed back in the 70s. Feel free to argue with me that he won’t be as healthy or as bright as other kids. Bring it on! I’ve got lots of examples of the opposite being true. But the point is, people have their own choices for not nursing, so listen up college guys. I had blinding migraines and nausea for 8 months of my pregnancy. How could anyone take care of a baby in that condition? When you nurse, your hormones do not return to normal. Mine have, and I am healthy again. Harry is well cared for, alert, and knock on wood has never had a cold. Other people have other reasons for wanting to nurse or not wanting to nurse. BOTH WAYS ARE FINE AND NO ONE SHOULD BE MADE TO FEEL INADEQUATE OR A WORSE PARENT FOR THEIR CHOICE! And that goes to all of the chicks out there who are in agony over all of the peer pressure around them. Been there. Over it. La Leche League is worse than Michael Moore.
5. Harry started eating at 4 months? Yes! He was consuming 40 ounces a day of formula. He almost tripled his birth weight. He had teeth! Yes, he eats solid foods, and he loves it. They are all organic, most of them home made from live, organic foods. Why should he not receive extra nutrients? Even if he was breast fed, why would giving him food have been bad? (this is rhetorical. I am familiar with the arguments). And why is there so little talk about the importance of a healthy diet rich in preservative-free, pesticide-free foods full of vitamins and minerals? After thee emphasis of breast feeding, I guess they are set for life.
I hope my latest of rants has not offended anyone. I have the utmost respect for people who stay home with their kids, those who nurse every two hours and those who give over their lives to their children. I think it is great that these people are so self-less and attentive to their children’s needs and to do what they feel is best for them. But, just be cause that is how they do things, that does not mean that their way is better. And I hope these people all make their choices because it is their choice, and not someone else’s. I think we all need to look at the big picture. If our goals are to raise happy, bright, well-adjusted kids, we need to evaluate our situations and go from there. Extreme views are often not the best ones.
Common sense and genetics would tell us that kids end up being a lot like their parents. I just learned this weekend that Kevin’s hair stuck up just like Harry’s, and he also was not happy at noisy parties. Harry is the same way. Maybe what we feel would have been the best way for us to be raised really is the best for our kids. And maybe we also need to pay attention to what works for them once we try something out and be open to suggestions. If you are home all day, exhausted, lonely, tired and resentful, why is it better for your kids to be with you? Likewise, if Harry is miserable at daycare, maybe we will need to re-evaluate. Additionally, why is it okay for a dad to be away from their kids but not a mom? Why is it better to work locally and be gone more hours? Why is nursing every two hours better than having the energy to stimulate your child’s mind? And why is it okay to give kids chocolate, Fritos, juice, crackers…blah, blah. blah once they stop nursing? It takes me back to the issue of sterilization. For years we have been over using antibiotics, anti-microbials, super cleaning everything to the point that illnesses like allergies, asthma and Kevin’s mom tells me, Chrone’s Disease have sky rocketed. With our kids’ best interests in mind, we have inadvertently caused them harm.
I hope that if we do something that we believe in that inadvertently harms Harry, we will recognize it and make some changes. Right now, he is as happy as can be.
Before I left, we spent the entire day giggling and laughing and getting tickles and kisses. He is working on perfecting his waving, which he started last week at the baseball game and used appropriately to wave bye to Grandma Patty today. He loves to offer his bananas and oatmeal to Bailey at breakfast (from his mouth). Elmo’s YMCA routine (or E-L-M-O rather) makes him smile. He is really getting into reading and grabbed for “Hey! Wake Up!” by Sandra Boynton this morning after breakfast. That is his routine. Since most days I do not have to be dressed and at an office, I can spend the morning with him making fresh food, reading books, and rolling around on his race car rug. Every night his is in bed by 7. During the day, he gets to experience life.
This is how we do things. My hope is that every one else out there, our friends, their friends- the people we care about- will do what is best for their families. I hope they will think rationally and clearly and make decisions on their own families needs, themselves included, and not listen to the extremists.
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Dolphins are mammals.
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