Serendipity II

I had dinner with my friend Claudia tonight. She said her sister in law asked her an interesting question. She asked, and I am paraphrasing here, what others would find difficult about being in a relationship with her. I could not think of my own #1 difficulty straight off. Kevin mentioned something about being a fan of the Dixie Chicks. Surely there must be something greater.

Well, while googling tonight, I realized my difficulty: I find weaknesses in people and gnaw at it. I think it is probably a defense mechanism of some sort...maybe out of some inherent dislike for emotional weakness? I don't think everyone should be a rock, but I think everyone should be happy. Oh! Maybe it's some sort if disease I picked up at cheerleading camp! Some sort of twisted need to perk everyone up! But isn't that the new flaw of superparents everywhere: forcing happiness and fulfillment on our kids? Why not the population at large?
I am not backing down, though. I think everyone should be happy. I think maybe I just need to deal with this desire in a different way.

I came across something tonight that spelled out in plain words something I have suspected all along. It spelled out that there are people I know who are unhappy. My first instinct is to use the information I have gathered to gnaw at them, subtly making them feel worse. Awful, I know. But my brain kicked in. It told me this was wrong. But then the little evil dude came back. He said that I have not been the only one at fault.

What we need is a compromise. I am just going to be nice. I am going to stop complaining. I am going to enjoy my own happiness. I am going to stop being annoying!

I am sure sleep deprivation doesn't help. It kind of brings out the worst in you. I, and I guess the people around me, am lucky that I have been given the opportunity to get more sleep than many parents of 1 year olds. I am fortunate to have the world's greatest husband ever, a person who is willing to wake up at all hours of the night with his little boy. Don't think I am not grateful! I also appreciate having the energy provided by a reasonably decent night's sleep to play with my little bug at 6am when he wakes up, to crawl around on the floor with him, and to appreciate his giggles! Harry's dad gets to sleep during this time. We need to work on getting him some more sleep though...not that he is complaining. Kevin has not complained for a moment since Harry was born...at least not about Harry! If anyone has stepped up to the challenge of fatherhood, it is Kevin. Not that I am the least bit surprised.

I miss them now. I am in Boston for three days. Three day trips are hard, but I remind myself that traveling a couple of days a month is better than commuting through traffic each day. And Harry is the happiest guy! Willful, but happy. I think, even at this young age, our personalities are very similar. His is pretty basic right now, so it is pretty easy to uncover. I also remember my own thoughts from my childhood. I have not changed that much. At least, I haven't strayed from my basic personality. This fact...well, I am not sure if that will make it easier or harder to mold Harry's personality. No one likes a bully...least of all a psychological bully. It is nice to have the potential insight into his thoughts, but apparently I have not tamed my own all that well. I will have to work on that.

In the meantime, I think we are both lucky to have Kevin in our lives. I have often referred to him as my anchor, that is, until he referred to an anchor as the big heavy thing that weighs you down and keeps you from going anywhere. In DG, our anchor (the one delivered to the Beta Sigma Chapter by way of the Panama Canal) symbolized hope. I interpret it as the grounding force that keeps you from losing yourself.

Yourself.

The person that is always with you. Why not choose to be around someone you like? If you have a problem, fix it. And when you are strong, you can look back at where you have come from and be glad for it all. If your path had diverged, you would have been different. Your life would have been different. The people in your life would be different. Personally, I like where my own life has led me, and I especially like the people who surround me. At the risk of sounding too proud, I am especially pleased that I recognize this. I will try harder to make it known to those around me

Accidents... Fortunate accidents.

May the road rise up to meet all of you.

And may my son not be the type of person who gnaws on peoples spirits.