Just keep running, just keep running!

It is hard to remember that I used to really suck at running. It used to be hard to run a mile. My first marathon I did a run/walk group at about a 14 minute pace, walking about every 3 minutes. The thought of running an entire 26.2 miles was impossible. But I did just that 3 years later.

Once I got became a decent runner, those feelings of inadequacy, and actual inadequacy, all went away. I guess I seem to have selective memory after all, and always seem to remember my glass as being almost completely full. It's hard to remember the struggles, especially when you overcome them. Maybe I got that from my dad. He has Spina Biffida, but has never let that get in his way. Why park in a hadicapped spot at the mall on Christmas Eve when you can walk from the other side of the planet? It might take you an hour, but someone else might need that spot more... Handicap? What handicap?

Overcoming hardship when you are in the moment, though, is not always as easy. Trying to be all that you used to be is harder than being all that you can be. You can't take baby steps, you can't run a 15 minute pace when it used to be 8 or 9. I'd be happy with 10 or 11 at this stage though.

I'm running the 30th Marine Corps Marathon next week. It will be my 3rd MCM and my 4th overall. The last MCM I did, I came in at 4:45. Not a Boston qualifying time, but not bad. After 9/11/01, I barely trained the month before the marathon, not sure if I would run or even if it would be held. It was. I ran. I ran right past the fast group that I had started my training with. They actually thought I was showing off (I wasn't). I also ditched my two friends, Mikki and Adria, by the 17 mile mark.

This year, I am the one who will be getting ditched. I figured Tara would run ahead of me at some point, but I wasn't planning on Meghan running 9 minute miles. Sounds like everyone will have gone home by the time I finish. It's kind of embarrassing. It makes me feel like a loser. Like I am fat. Out of shape. Inadequate. Irresponsible.

I try to remind myself that I gained and lost 60 pounds. That I had a baby. A very little voice whispers in my head that because of that baby, and because I don't want to miss any of the short time I have with him, getting out and training like I should makes me feel guilty. Because of that baby, I cannot sleep all day on Sunday after a long run. I can't balance my diet properly. I don't have the time. I don't have the energy. And since I travel and leave Kevin with Harry a lot of the time as it is, it wouldn't be fair. Not that he would complain about it. He is always completely encouraging, and even found the SMR group for me.

I feel like those things are excuses, and that is the hard part. I don't like to make excuses, but sometimes it seems to be all that I hear.

I found this training message in my inbox from my MCM Virtual Trainer:

The label of "marathoner" has, from the beginning, been awarded to those who went the distance under their own power, whether they ran, walked, crawled or tiptoed. When you cross that finish line, you've entered an elite group. About one tenth of one percent of the population has done it. Don't let anyone take that great achievement away from you. I've now done well over 125 marathons, about half of them without walk breaks. On every one of the walk-break marathons, I received the same sense of accomplishment, all of the internal rewards, and the indescribable exhilaration of finishing as on the non-walk marathons. But when I inserted walk breaks throughout, I was able to enjoy the accomplishment afterward.

The MCM Virtual Trainer program has been developed by Jeff Galloway, who has helped over 150,000 runners achieve their running goals. Visit www.jeffgalloway.com

I have been telling people for years that anyone can do it. Anyone can run a marathon, or at least finish it. I guess not everyone does. Maybe that is the point. And maybe this time, I am running for different reasons.