MOM

Strange as it may seem, I am still not comfortable with the word mom. I still don't feel like a mom. I think Kevin feels more like one than I do. Perhaps this is because he takes on more of the traditional mom roles while I take on less. I am not saying that Kevin takes on more parenting duties than I do, though some may argue the case. I think we share things very equally, in a seesaw fashion. Sometimes I do more (no need to smirk), sometimes he does more. I worry that he does more far too often. As I am writing this, I am beginning to think that I am an idiot. I am sure I am not the first woman to realize this, though it often seems this way. Kevin and I both work. We both pay bills. We both have identities of our own. We both contributed equally to Harry's DNA. Why shouldn't we share the joys and responsibilities of parenting Harry equally? I think this is why the word "Mom" gets to me so much. When I read books, magazines, blogs…I identify with "Dad" a lot more. I think a lot of Dad articles are more balanced, and they so often discuss the judgments that are passed their way. I feel like the word Dad entails a lot more balance. It is assumed if you are a dad you spend time away from your child, that you have a job and responsibilities and downtime…and other interests. The impression I get of the word mom is that you are never away from your child. EVER! If you are, there must be a VERY GOOD reason why. Perhaps your husband was laid off and you must reluctantly leave the home to find gainful employment. Perhaps a highly qualified nanny is supervising a well suited playdate while you run to the supermarket for supplies. Perhaps a grandparent dropped in so you could have 30 minutes to yourself. Moms know everything and decide everything for their child, even if Dad has a better option or logic would say to do something differently. The reality is, sometimes what is best for your child is NOT being with them every second of the day. When I run into people at Starbucks, or a new trainer at the gym asks where Harry is or who takes care of him when I travel, they are often taken aback that he is at daycare or that Kevin takes care if him. I was flying home first class from Florida the other day. There happened to be FOUR women in first class with me. This NEVER happens. The woman next to me (they didn't even space us out!) also had young children and traveled a lot. She didn't once ask who was watching Harry. We discussed how lucky our kids were to have two parents actively involved in their lives. We discussed how much we valued our time together and the fun little things we do for them when we are away (so far, I select Harry's clothes for the days I am gone and chat with him on the phone, but I look forward to the days when I can leave him happy notes or little surprises or fax homework corrections). We also discussed how great it is that they have other people in their lives, such as daycare providers or school chums that they can interact with and learn from. Some people actually ask why he doesn't have a nanny. Well, several reasons, none of which include the cost:

1. I did not want Harry alone with 1 person all day in case something happened to the person either through injury while she was with Harry or that she didn't show up for work one day, or that 1 person alone, unsupervised, could harm Harry.

2. I wanted Harry to be around other children in a casual, playful, learning environment.

3. I cannot work with Harry in the house because I want to play with him when he is there.

4. I don't want him in a car with anyone just yet.

5. I am sure there are others, but I cannot remember them all.

So, while I am in fact a mom, and a pretty good one at that, I feel the word is so limiting. I feel the choices I make are all in Harry's best interests. SOme may say I am kidding myself, but I say, take a look at your own world and see if yours is working as well before judging mine. I think it is good for him to see two people, or three people and a dog, work together as a team. I think it is important for him to see that people are not limited to certain pre-defined roles. I think it is important to not just "mother" Harry, but to let other people have an influence on his life, so that he may learn other cultures, other ways of doing things, other ways of seeing things. I don't think Harry should do everything the same way I do. I look forward to open discussions about so many topics as he gets older. I will surely be one of those parents that stops everything to look something up (and by look up I mean Google it). I feel that my role in Harry's life is to provide him the proper tools to become his own person. Once again, I hope this experiment works better than it did with Bailey! I could not be happier that Harry has a father who is more than someone who writes checks and throws a ball. No disrespect to fathers out there who did little more than show up at 5:30 to instill discipline- things were very different until recently. I am pretty sure that Kevin is the person Harry goes to when he is REALLY scared, sad, not feeling well. I seem to still be the good cop though, and can handle the minor bumps and bruises in Harry's eyes. I think at least one reason this has happened is because Kevin is the sleep whisperer. He is the one that puts Harry to bed in the middle of the night. He is the one that is the "expert" on whether we can pick him up if he is crying. Kevin's expertise in this area can bug me a little, but I know I am gone sometimes, and also afraid of the dark, so I let this one slide, and I instead focus on the things that are mine, like our morning wake-up routine, or our time together after school. I am also looking forward to the 3 days I will be alone with him after Yule while Menike is off yet again. I felt a bit guilty that I left for a business trip while Harry was sick, but I remind myself that I am with a new company that I have done very little for so far, but should benefit me in the long run. I don't need to remind myself that Kevin is very capable. I can take my turn as nursemaid when I get home. I think the guilt comes not from worrying that Harry will suffer in my absence, or that he will love someone else more, or any number of other things, but that I am not doing enough to help Kevin, and he will exhaust himself. Hard as I try, I suspect he would give 200% of himself even if I were home 24/7. I worry that I am not doing my share, but in reality, and I hope Kevin agrees, we are working together towards a common goal, and each taking turns at a variety of tasks, just as we would on a seesaw, and Harry is benefiting from his opportunities. I worry that I cannot thank Kevin enough for being such an amazing dad. Perhaps I don't have to. We've got Harry to show for that!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you have a great day, and have as much to be thankful for as we do, including our fabulous friends and family!